Alone in the Dark Movie Review

Everyone involved in this movie shouldn’t be allowed near a camera for the rest of their lives.

There are several reasons why people watch movies: films have artistic merit, they have entertainment value, they transport you to a magical world of wonder and discovery and they are part of the cultural mainstream. Regardless of the reasons why you spend your free time watching films, let me assure you that Alone in the Dark has none of those qualities. This is the kind of movie that wastes space on your shelf, this movie doesn’t deserve to be on your Netflix queue and this movie won’t be part of any intriguing conversation with other passionate movie goers. In other words, I don’t see how anyone in their right mind would spend their valuable time watching something like this. Making the mistake of watching Alone in the Dark is one thing, but a bigger sin would be to like it.

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Edward Carnby: “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.”

Here’s the setup: in the 1960’s mine workers discovered the remains of a Native American civilization known as the Abkani. The Abkani believed that our world was divided into two: there was the world of the light and the world of darkness. Somehow, the ancient civilization managed to open the gate between those two worlds, but an evil force slipped through to our world and destroyed the super-advanced culture of the Abkani. The film takes place in more recent times as a paranormal investigator and an archaeologist try to seal the recently opened gate between those two worlds. The opening of the gate turns most people into zombies, but instead of running to buy a new iPhone, their mission involves joining the world of darkness. As you can imagine, all the monsters from the world of darkness eventually make an appearance and all hell breaks lose.

Since this film doesn’t know what it wants to be (there are science fiction, horror and action elements,) Alone in the Dark is full of absurd scenes. There’s a particularly ridiculous scene that feels contrived and out of place in the most awkward way possible and doesn’t include any monsters (that I know of.) That scene is when the two protagonists start having sex suddenly and without warning. It doesn’t add depth, it doesn’t allow us to know the characters any better, a cheesy pop song plays in the background and only lasts a few seconds.

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Cmdr. Richard Burke: “This doesn’t make any sense.”

Then again that’s not the only scene that doesn’t make any sense. The first time a pack of monsters appear, a bunch of soldiers who happen to be Alone in the Dark (get it?) have to shoot them while we listen to a generic heavy metal song. This creates a rather “unique” visual effect in which the light that comes from the guns illuminate the environments and shows us the massacre in a different way. This is absolutely unnecessary and feels like a visual gimmick that doesn’t look that impressive.

But the monsters aren’t the only threat humans have to face. Do you remember the zombies that disappeared at the beginning of the film? They come back near the end and attack the soldiers. Since so many random scenes take place in this film, I was also expecting werewolves and vampires to make an appearance, but that would have been too much, right? Also, the enemies seem way too powerful, since they can become invisible, they release electrical discharges, they are fast and strong and interestingly and on top of that, they can only be killed bullets that are made of precious metals like silver of gold.

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Aline Cedrac: “I thought you were dead, asshole.”

Alone in the Dark is a movie that no one enjoys and if you happen to find someone that does, stop hanging out with those people, delete their contact information from your phone, avoid them at parties and for the love of God, don’t let them recommend this movie to anyone else.