This Uwe Boll production is tediously boring, mainly because if you’ve seen a zombie movie in the past fifteen years or so, Zombie Massacre is a trivial waste of time.
Zombie Massacre is a video game franchise that few people will recognize and that’s because this Nintendo Wii game was cancelled long before it saw the light of day. The game was supposed to revive the Zombie Massacre franchise which originally came out in the form of an Amiga title in 1988 as a clone to the immensely first-person shooter Doom. Nevertheless, no one prevented avid filmmakers from getting a hold of the rights to film a movie based on it. Even as someone who has a soft spot for horror movies, this Uwe Boll production is tediously boring, mainly because if you’ve seen a zombie movie in the past fifteen years or so, Zombie Massacre is a trivial waste of time.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A small town in Eastern Europe is infected with a virus and its population starts turning into brain-eating zombies, so the American government hires a group of mercenaries who are sent to blow up the place before the disease propagates to the rest of the country and the world. As you can see, Zombie Massacre doesn’t deviate from the generic formula that dozens of horror films have overused before. As a result, this is a bland flick that has nothing new to offer to fan of the genre or anyone else for that matter. It also doesn’t help that there’s badly written dialogue and a bunch of uninteresting characters that I couldn’t care less about. In fact, some of the characters are so generic and obnoxious that I was rooting for the zombies so that the movie would end.
Zombie Massacre’s greatest sin isn’t what it does but what it doesn’t. The movie takes one of the most popular and overused genres and does absolutely nothing new with it. Ironically enough, this is one of the most forgettable movies I remember watching. The plan is that the mercenaries will drive to the middle of the small town and plant an atomic bomb that would reduce the place to smithereens. Instead, zombies appear, techno music plays and boredom ensues.
So let’s be more specific about the parts of this film that don’t work. The characters have long conversations but we know nothing about them and I found them one-dimensional, shallow and obnoxious. We have the explosives specialist, the muscular chief who’s so stereotypical that he’s called Jack Stone, the sniper guy and the redhead woman who wields katanas and doesn’t say a word for half the movie (she reminded me of the Yakuza guy from The Simpsons.)
But the most serious problems come in the form of utterly stupid moments that don’t make any sense. At the risk of ruining a glorious moment for you, Uwe Boll makes a cameo appearance. He plays the role of the President of the United States and it seems that he approached the part, like he does most of his movies, sloppily and egotistically. But there’s more, terrible practical effects, a laughable ending and scenes that don’t make a lot of sense plague this horror film.
Zombie Massacre is an unbearably uninspired and forgettable horror movie that won’t satisfy fans of the genre or a casual audience. Taking into account that zombie movies are some of the most popular sub-genres in horror, you can watch dozens of films that are better and more entertaining than Zombie Massacre.